Repost: “An Unfortunate Morning”

6 Jan

Warning: This post may be a little graphic. You may not want to read any further as it contains a story about an unruly insect that tried to attack me in my own home. Please do not judge me for having this particular insect in my house. As you may know from previous posts, we have had several kinds of insects, arachnids, and amphibians but never this one.. no.. this one tops them all.

As I right this, my heart is still beating rapidly. Finally, after repeated attempts, I murdered him. He was breaking and entering and I am certain that I will be protected by the court of law. That jerk! I tried to kill him when I first saw him while getting ready for church this morning. He ran. Then I continued to get ready. My husband had already left as he is was leading worship and had to be at church early to practice.

I called my mother to ask her how much the pest control people were. That I could not take it any longer. She laughed.

As we continued our conversation, I told her about the spiders, frogs and even snake (we saw him yesterday) that have been coming in and around our house! She told me several remedies that could help the problems.. but then.. the little beast came out.. ON MY BED! THANK GOODNESS I AM GETTING NEW BEDDING TOMORROW!

So.. I grabbed a paper towel and tried to get him. I heard a… crunch… I thought maybe I had at least done a little damage to his nasty exoskeleton. [oh my gosh, i can’t believe I am even talking about this] I was wrong. He ran away again.

So I gathered my make up and told my mom I was going into another room to finish getting ready. I could not be a victim of this..this.. vermin, but first.. I had to get my shoes.

Well it just so happens that I am wearing a cute little sheath today to church. Kind of a retro, 50’s silhouette. SO the dilemma here was which shoes should I wear.. I was going to get 2 pair and continue my deliberation in the living room. As I bent down to find the second shoe to the second pair that I was going to try, I continue my conversation on the phone… then.. all of a sudden, I feel something light trickle across my foot. I look down.. and THERE IT IS! THE BEAST IS TRYING TO KILL ME!!!!

I SCREAM ON THE PHONE and stand up quickly. “Mom! Mom! He touched me, he touched me! He found me and is trying to attack!

“Amanda, get a paper towel and squish him! Step on him.”

“I’m scared!”

Then, I take my beautiful black BCBG pump that I have on my foot (THANK GOD) and step on the bastard! He crunches again.. EW! I remove my foot to see if it’s done any damage and he starts running around in circles. I scream again!

My mom responds to my scream, “Is he dead!? You know they are said to carry Salmonella.”

“NO, mom! He keeps moving around! I’m scared. I’m going to die from Salmonella now.”

“Amanda, put a paper towel over him and get some disinfectant”

“I did, but he keeps moving around! Does windex work?”

“Put a paper towel on him and step on it! You don’t have any bathroom cleaner or something? Yes, Windex will work.”

So I put a paper towel on top of him… but he continued to move. These creatures are very resilient. I continued to step on the towel in hopes of killing him even more, hoping that my method of killing him was tortuous and that he died a slow and painful death.

I continued my conversation with my mom, ” I think he’s dead.”

“Well, pick him up and go put him in the toilet… but don’t put the paper towel in the toilet, it will stop it up.”, she replied

“I don’t know how to do that.”, I said, with my heart pounding. I felt as though I was going to hurl. I gathered the paper towels (There was a long line of about 9 that were still attached by the perforated edges) and walked into the bathroom, careful to keep my hand lose enough that I could not feel it’s mass but tight enough that he would not fall through the cracks of the paper towel.

I dropped him in the toilet as my mom said, “You’ve killed your first roach. You are becoming a woman.”

“I don’t want to be a woman.”, I thought to myself and then flushed the bastard down the drain.

Then I gathered my make up, coffee, and Clif bar and came into the computer room to where I began writing this story. AFTER my mom said not to put it on the internet.

Now, I’m asking God why he created that horrible species? Really, what good are they? I don’t understand. I understand Spiders keep the fly bug population down and I understand Snakes eat rodents.. but what in the world does a… a… Roach do… carry diseases such as Salmonella and attack innocent young home owners!? BLASTED CREATURES!

So as my heart beat begins to slow down and I regain my baring, I wonder If I will be able to sleep in my room tonight. Will I ever be able to touch my bed side table or read any of the books he walked on. I just don’t know. Sigh.

Today, Matt will be disinfecting our entire room. He owes it to me. He should have got an exterminator when I told him we needed one the first time! Now I’m going to die from Salmonella!

THE END!

 

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